Almost two years ago I declared that I would never drink alcohol again. I am very hard-headed. I can be extremely arrogant and once I’ve decided on something I dive in, determined to swim. It was a bit of a panicky, floppy, doggy paddle in the beginning but eventually it turned into a calm easy backstroke. After 18 months of stargazing and cloud viewing I ran into a buoy called moderation. If you, the reader have read any of my blog posts before, you know where this is going. I slipped, more than once in the past six months. I am not starting over. I’m not going to reset the clock to saying that I quit drinking last Sunday. But I do want to be honest with everyone who follows me, who knows me and who may be wondering where I’m at with sobriety. I’m also writing this to humble myself and bring myself down a few notches. I inhaled a mouth full of salt water, chocked on it for awhile but I’m breathing again and plan to just keep swimming.
I did not get married under the impression that it would be easy. In fact, I got married believing marriage would be the hardest thing I would ever do because love is a battlefield, it bites and it bleeds, it’s hard on the knees and in the end it’s a losing game… Well, at least that’s what the songs say. I expected to feel the weight of commitment as soon as I said “I do.” I listened to the warnings. I knew the statistics. I saw the facial expressions, the concern and the doubt. I was making a huge decision and everyone wanted to make sure I knew the risk, and I did. I signed the certificate anyway, because I can’t say no to a challenge (oh and because I was completely in love).
In the past three years my marriage has been the least challenging thing in my life. In the past six years our relationship has been the least of my worries. Life is what’s hard and so far, marriage has made it easier. I have someone in my life who will give me advice, listen to me rant, let me cry, take care of me when I’m sick, travel with me, hold me, build me up and convince me that I’m capable of anything. I have a best friend that I love so deeply it’s made me believe in Nicholas Sparks stories and fairy tales. Love isn’t the battlefield, living is and now I have a partner that will stand beside me and fight with and for me instead of against me.
If this is a game then I’m all in. If I lose it all, like Robin Williams said, at least I played a hand.
Happy three year anniversary Mr. Collins, I’ll love you for a thousand more ❤
I have a lot to say.
I have a lot to say about dieting. I have a lot to say about eating healthy. I have a lot to say about finding myself scooping vanilla ice-cream over a chocolate melting cake after finishing a bacon cheeseburger with french fries for dinner even though my New Year’s resolution was to eat healthier.
Instead of saying a lot I will only say this. I haven’t eaten sugar since Tuesday. At least not intentionally. If it was somehow hidden in the chicken soup I got from take-out, well there’s only so much a person can do.
The reason I do not want to say a lot about this is because I know I can go through this blog and find multiple posts about how I’m going to take control and eat right. Food has been my kryptonite. After I have spent more time eating healthier I will write about it, until then I will leave you with my strength goals for 2016:
There you have it. Big dreams for 2016! Hopefully next week I can share some photos of me trying to do some of these things. Until then I will leave you with my overall feeling this week:
So I don’t have a lot to say this week because I’ve been crazy busy. I don’t even have pictures! But of course I won’t let you guys go without an update.
This week I tried to watch motivational weight lifting videos for women. I have one word for those videos – gross! I don’t know why everything that has to do with women has to be slimy and pornagraphic. I say slimy because they literally cover their body in oil. I have no idea how they even lift weights when they’re that slippery. And who the hell works out in their underwear?! So yeah, gross. From now on I’ll be watching men.
In one of the non pornographic male videos one of the men said, “it’s just pain, it won’t kill you!” I have been saying this to myself during all of my excruating workouts. It actually helps, a lot.
It’s been a good week. By this time next year I plan to be fit enough to wear a sexy Halloween costume. Because as gross as the porno fitness women are, they do look good 😉
Happy Halloween everyone!
One year ago today I woke up on the couch. I was sleeping sitting up with my head on a cushion and my neck in an awful position. I was sleeping this way to prevent myself from getting sick. I opened my eyes and almost instantly had a sinking, terrible feeling in my stomach that was in no way related to nausea. I picked up my phone and began texting apologies to countless people; some were received graciously while others were not. My hands were trembling, my body was shaking and all I wanted to do was cry. I said to myself “I never want to drink again”. I had said this before, multiple times, but something felt different. I said it again and again until finally it came out “I will never drink again.”
It’s been one year.
It’s been one year since I’ve had a hangover, since I’ve woke up ashamed and embarrassed because of what I might have done the night before (because God knows I didn’t remember). One year since I’ve “rewarded” myself by getting drunk. One year since I’ve had to text people apologies for driving drunk, for my loud mouth, emotional outbursts or just flat out crude or harsh behavior.
What have I learned?
I’ve learned how to act in a social situation without having any liquid courage. I’ve learned how to have a debate without getting choked up, raising my voice, or embarrassing myself while defending my opinion. I’ve learned how to have fun late into the night without feeling like complete shit the next day. I learned that alcohol exaggerates everything and drunk reality isn’t real.
When you can’t have a drink you’re forced to face yourself; all your quarks, flaws and insecurities. You’re forced to get to know who you are. And then, as time goes on, you begin to accept who you’ve become.
I am not a loud mouth, inappropriate, overly dramatic person. I was all of those things because I was drunk. I am not an awkward, uncomfortable, social outcast. I drank because I thought I was all of those things if I wasn’t drinking.
I am fun. I am funny. I am caring and loving. I am sober.
I keep reading these posts about things to thank your mother for. They all include something like “Helping me get ready for school” or “all the times she put me on the bus” and “for cleaning my room” or “always smiling”. As a home-schooled kid, I can’t thank my mom for any of those things. So instead, I thought I’d write my own.
- Thank you for not putting us on the bus.
- Thank you for staying home and watching us grow and knowing us.
- Thank you for working sometimes so we could go on “field trips” (field trips and vacations go hand in hand for homeschoolers)
- Thank you for all the days we laid on the trampoline or watched sesame street instead of doing school work.
- Thank you for not “socializing” us. We all figured it out just fine on our own.
- Thank you for making me clean my own room.
- Thank you for leaving me a list of chores.
- Thank you for not always smiling and for showing your crazy side, it’s because you did that I can recognize my own.
- Thank you for not being a pansy who tried to put us in the corner or send us to our room.
- Thank you for spanking us (even when you used the paddle or the spoon).
- Thank you for teaching us manners and respect.
- Thank you for not letting us be monster children that nobody liked.
- Thank you for kicking us out of the house and making us play outside.
- Thank you for teaching us how to hold our silverware.
- Thank you for making us walk around with books on our head.
- Thank you for Unschooling.
- Thank you for teaching us to think outside the box and to question authority.
- Thank you for being open and honest about your life and not sugar coating.
- Thank you for your understanding.
- Thank you for swearing at me on my wedding day so I would stop being a brat.
- Thank you for rolling your eyes, sighing and being open about how much we can exhaust you (especially during the teenage years).
- Thank you for your excitement and genuine enthusiasm in everything we were and are excited about.
- Thank you for approving, even when you thought you wouldn’t.
- Thank you for always sharing your opinion, openly, bluntly and without holding back (“Why would you put a bumper sticker on a Maserati?”).
- Thank you for making rules, usually once we broke them we found out why they were there in the first place (“don’t touch the coal stove”).
- Thank you for not letting me pluck my eyebrows too thin.
- Thank you for never mentioning my weight during my fat stage.
- Thank you for making me buy my own goth clothes.
- Thank you for all your nights of worrying.
- Thank you for all the diaper changes.
- Thank you for all the feminine lessons, and products 😉
- Thank you for always being there.
- But most of all, thank you for loving us so much that we can feel it, even from miles away.
My mother has a lot of spare time! And one of the things she loves to do is thrift!
I personally do not find any pleasure in thrifting. But my mom definitely has an eye for spotting a little treasure in a pile of junk.
She recently has been talking about renting out her dishes, for bridal showers, baby showers, weddings, etc.
I think this is a really awesome idea, especially after she did such a wonderful job with my Bridal Shower.
Here are a couple of her photo’s of thrift store finds…
Sometimes it’s hard to picture what a whole bunch of mismatched dishes would look like together, or if they’d even look good put in the same room.
But somehow my mom can bring it all together so it feels like you’re joining the royal family for an afternoon tea in England.
And she never spends more than a couple bucks on a dish… which makes it all the better.
Here’s a few examples of how it all comes together…
In my opinion, she shouldn’t just rent her dishes for parties, she should decorate for the party too!
What do you think?
Check out her blog Feeling Festive