Travel Tuesday-Cruising

Cruising is not for everyone. I know a ton of people who love to cruise. I am not one of those people. Here are my main reasons:

First of all, I don’t like anything that starts off with ropes and long lines. This is why I’m not a huge fan of amusement parks. As a teenager I would be the one “mooing” in the line while being herded like cattle. Now, as an adult, I just “moo” and “baa” in my head.
After you make it to the end of the line, instead of a thrilling, adrenaline packed roller-coaster you get to fill out a questionnaire. The first question, “Have you experienced any vomiting or diarrhea in the last 24 hours?”

Secondly, I get motion sick. After discussing my bowel movements with complete strangers I then walk a plank onto a ship that has a constant sway. It’s not easy on my stomach and it’s very claustrophobic. To make it even worse the ships normally smell like a hospital (another thing I don’t care for). They’re drenched in bleach, disinfectant and sanitizer in an attempt to prevent norovirus. So if you’re feeling a bit woozy or uncomfortable, you better hide it. They can quarantine you if they think you’re contaminated.
Third, once you’re all checked in and settled into your room, it’s time to relax and enjoy the money you’ve spent, right? Wrong. The first day is crowded with people trying to sell you stuff; drink packages, specialty dining, specialty coffees and specialty ice cream because apparently the money you already forked out isn’t worthy of specialty.

Fourth, if there is anything I hate more than hospitals and herding, it’s buffets. Buffets make me realize why there are ropes in the first place, because people are idiots. I’ll be standing, politely and quietly in line hoping that no one gets the last piece of French Toast before I make it up there and then someone will cut right in front of me, skip the tongs and use their fingers and take my piece of toast. And this will happen over and over again until I sit down and all I have on my plate is an apple, a yogurt and some gray slop because these were the only things no one was crowding over like vultures. So unless you want to feel like you’re a part of the animal kingdom, skip the buffet.
Lastly, I just don’t like feeling like a tourist on a schedule. The basic principles of cruising don’t work for me. I don’t like having to scan a card to get on and off the ship. I don’t like feeling accounted for. I don’t want to go into the tourist towns that are bogged down by things made in China because I can find that right here in my local wal-mart (another place I don’t go). I prefer venturing out on my own, getting lost in the woods, finding waterfalls that hundreds of Americans didn’t pay an excursion desk to bring them to.
Basically, I want my vacation to be filled with adventure not people, secluded destinations not floating cities and cool local restaurants not buffets.

How do I still sell cruises? Some people are not nearly as snobby and uptight as I am 😉


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