Oh how I love the ah-ha moments in life. The moment when the light finally shines on what you’ve been looking for.
I decided to start eating healthy 12 days ago. It was time to change my life and stop whining all the time about things that I have complete and total control over, mainly my weight and feeling like crap. The plan that I am following really helps you realize what portions you’re supposed to be eating compared to what you have been eating. It’s not easy. I’ve been bringing my own meals and snacks to gatherings, I’ve been ordering salads when at a restaurant (hold the croutons, bacon and cheese. And I’ll take the dressing on the side), and basically keeping very strict track of my food intake every day.
The first time I was eating around people (besides my husband) I realized I felt very embarrassed and ashamed. Everyone was sitting at the table that was filled with bacon, cheesy scrambled eggs, croissants, muffins, sausage and toast. I had a boiled egg and 10 grapes. I felt like I shouldn’t be sitting at the table with everyone else. I felt like I should go take my fat self into a corner and eat my diet food alone. The things people think about themselves is awful. We really are our own worst critics.
Anywho, last night I experienced these feelings again while I was eating dinner with some relatives. Everyone was eating enchiladas and I was eating 4oz of boneless, skinless, chicken breasts and 2 cups of steamed vegetables. No one said anything except that it looked really good. I realized that the embarrassment I was feeling had nothing to do with what I was eating. I was embarrassed by how much I wanted the enchiladas, how I would love to just gorge myself on the entire casserole dish full of them. No one at the table knew this. Nobody knew that I could close my eyes and start salivating over just the smell of them, and how I couldn’t get my eyes off of them. It’s really pretty gross. I feel embarrassed because I have an addiction to food. It consumes me. And I’m jealous of everyone that can eat a normal amount of unhealthy food without completely binging and eating until they’re so stuffed they can’t breathe. There is an overwhelming feeling of shame because I feel powerless and out of control when I eat.
Treating food and eating habits like an addiction makes it easier. I don’t drink alcohol anymore because I couldn’t moderate myself, I’d end up sloppy, wasted and feeling like crap the next day. It’s the exact same relationship with food. If I go out and order a bacon cheeseburger with fries, I will eat it all. I will then order dessert or buy some candy because hell, I already ate a giant burger so why not have some chocolate cake to wash it down? And then I would sit miserably full in front of the TV until I could breathe well enough to go to sleep or eat some more. I will not be this person anymore. I quit drinking and now I bring seltzer water, POM juice and a lime with me everywhere I go.
In the same way that I have been able to do this with alcohol I will do it with food. I will pack up my 4oz of chicken for dinner or my cottage cheese for a snack and one day my body will match my new habits and hopefully I will not feel shame and embarrassment for trying to better myself.
I’m waiting till the end of the month to weigh myself and I can’t wait! Besides the huge urge to chow down on some cheesecake, smothered in chocolate and topped with bacon I feel great. I’m more awake, I have way more energy, and I actually FEEL healthier and thinner already. May the journey to a better, healthier lifestyle continue!
Thanks for reading!