To write about a feeling and describe it well enough for others to understand is a challenge that isn’t conquered often. Especially with biases, instinct, and automatic responses that people have to certain words, certain emotions.
However, this challenge is one I’d like to take on, without specifying right from the beginning what I’m describing.
We’ll start with nervous. Nervous, not the nervous you feel when you’re driving onto the interstate and there’s an 18 wheeler in the right lane driving too slowly. Nervous like when you’re standing on a bridge with all of your friends, and they’re all jumping in but you’re scared. Finally, you take the leap into the water and it’s cool, refreshing and your body is shaking with adrenaline and in that moment it’s the most fun you’ve ever had. Nervous like the first time you sneak out and you’re so afraid but it doesn’t matter because the excitement outweighs the risk of getting caught. Nervous, like standing with your father in your wedding gown and the music begins to play, he leads the way. He leads the way to give you away. That kind of nervous.
Warmth, not like the hot, humid, sweaty sticky, heat you feel in South Carolina. Warmth as in the feeling you get when you’re sick and you take a sip of tea with honey and it warms you from the inside out. Warmth, like stepping your foot into a bubble bath in the middle of winter when there’s snow outside. Warmth, like lying on the beach in the tropics near a palm tree and letting the sun soak into your skin and listening to the ocean waves crashing. That kind of warmth.
Relief, not like the relief you feel when you oversleep and somehow still make it to work on time. Relief as in when you find out after a year of chemotherapy and multiple surgeries that your Grandma is cancer free. Relief, like when you total a car and your younger brother is in the passenger seat and somehow you both walk out unmarked. Relief, like when you find out your dad has heart disease but he comes out of surgery wide awake and already back to his normal sarcastic self. That kind of relief.
Happiness, not the kind of happiness you feel when you win 5 dollars on a 1 dollar scratch off. Happiness, like the day you get your license, and drive by yourself with the windows down, the music up and the feeling of freedom in your veins. Happiness, like when you haven’t seen your mother in months and finally you get to put your arms around her and hug her. Happiness, like the moment when you walk down the aisle at your wedding and see all of your family, friends and love ones there to support you. That kind of happiness.
All of these feelings equaling one overwhelming emotion, which is love, the strongest of all, which I get to feel every day for my husband. I’m nervous when I know he’s almost home, warmth when he comes in the door and hugs me, relief that he’s back with me safely, and happiness to know he’s mine forever. Every day I get to experience the most powerful feelings, powerful emotions, because of one wonderful man.
To describe love is the hardest thing of all. If I would have started with love, someone would have rolled their eyes and thought, “yeah just wait a while”. Someone would have closed this out and not read it all, and maybe a few that believe would have read on. But I wanted to describe it the way I feel it, so that people could understand it. To those who doubt it, I’m happy I have it, for now and hopefully forever.